“Reclaiming Love” and the Neglected Part of Ourselves

I always wanted to be a counselor. I imagined myself in my office with clients seeking my “valued wisdom” and me encouraging them to the point of healthy mental status. I had some lofty dreams and looking back its hard to delineate where they served others or served myself. When I studied psychology and sociology in college, I went on to begin two different masters programs, but something was missing.

I was employed as a counselor for a state office and dealing with hundreds of clients on a very large caseload which made it difficult to really spend time with anyone. I thought the masters programs I had been choosing weren’t quite the right fit for me, but deeper down I knew there was a missing piece that was bigger than that.

Shortly after I gave birth to my first child and returned to work, I was assigned the “severe mental health” caseload. On one particular day while interviewing a client who was exceptionally exasperated, she picked up the picture of my newborn baby that I had sitting near my desk and threatened both my baby’s life and mine. As shocking as it may sound to my reader, this was not particularly out-of-the-ordinary in my job. I knew she was struggling and hurting. But now that a piece of my heart was implanted in another tiny human being that I loved more than myself, I felt more vulnerable and frustrated than ever. I knew the answer had to do with my growing inclination to pray over and with my suffering clients. Where was their spiritual life being addressed in their suffering? Was anyone asking? Needless to say, government offices were not encouraging faith as a factor in the well-being of the person seeking services. I hadn’t been advanced enough at in my own faith when choosing a program of study to include one that attends to the spiritual needs of a person, but as it happens nothing is wasted with God and He would make soon make room in my heart for the needs of others’ spiritual encouragement.

I called a friend who was a youth minister and related my struggles. He encouraged me to apply to the diocese for a youth ministry position since I had volunteered for him for years with his ministry. Soon after, I made the transition to employment at a wonderfully parish who embraced me warmly as their new youth minister.

Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

While working with the kids to pay attention to their souls and spirits, I realized what was missing in my endeavor to be a counselor. Our emotions, intellect and physical body are all parts of the human being, but the spiritual component is the ETERNAL human. The WILL of a human resides within its spirit and is connected to its Creator and is what continues on to eternity. Now I had found a place where it was my job to teach others to take care of their spirits. I didn’t know I could be so happy working for a living.

Looking at the Complete Person and How it Relates to Love: A Book Club Study

“Reclaiming Love: Connecting the Head and the Heart” by Fr Martin Connor LC is the book we (as friends and prayer warriors) decided to read to understand authentic love and the human person. We discussed love through the eyes of our Creator, and how we love others is all wrapped up in our humanness: physically, emotionally and in our will (spiritually).

Photo by Greg Gulik on Pexels.com

With warm balmy breezes under the starry skies of Nashville, we gathered around a crackling fire and kicked off our first ten minutes chatting with the author, Fr. Martin (via zoom from meetings in New Orleans.) He introduced the genisus of the book and his plans to expand this ministry to vocations directors, formation directors, and anyone who can use it. He began to guide us toward our evening of discussion with this quote:

“In the dusk of our lives we will be judged on love alone.”

St John of the Cross

Some of my favorite notes from the evening were these gems:

  • Our reason, will and emotions must be used and integrated together or we become enslaved (p.21)
  • We can’t reclaim love if we don’t have silence.
  • The difference between guilt and shame (guilt helps direct us while shame says “I am bad.”)
  • Gratitude CALMS
  • Authentic Love is seeking the good of the other

In his years of experiences of working with married and dating couples, Fr Martin conveys that the church has always valued emotions (even if some particular teachers of the faith have not.) They are indeed a gift to the human being, but managing them through our will and intellect is important. He discussed the importance of something called “Emotional Chastity”: the habit that harmonizes the head and the heart, and directs them toward the good of the other, in order to love authentically.

One of the most tremendous things about the book is the appendices on helpful tips for silence and thought management, as well as definitions and small group discussion questions.

As if that wasn’t helpful enough, Fr Martin has short videos to explain sections of the book. He is also receptive to requests to speak and present on the topic of love, relationships and emotions. He has a new book coming out early 2021 for those who are dating and may desire guidance as to good kinds of relationships.

“Whatever you take away from tonight, there is no greater reflection for you to pray with than this: HOW CAN I LOVE BETTER? How can I love as Christ loves?”

Fr Martin Connor LC
Photo by Min An on Pexels.com


For more information more about Fr Martin Connor LC and his writings at:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s